Tanu

(Wrote in 1999)

MY FINGERS FROZE ON ITS TRACK. A FATEFUL QUESTION HAD BEEN LAID BEFORE ME WHEN I WAS LEAST EXPECTING IT.
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I don’t know what attracted me. There are many names – complex and simple – names which looked odd – names with digits attached to it – names which grabbed attention. I still don’t know what attracted me. I always loved the name Tanu. May be that was the reason that it caught my attention. It was simple and cute and looked authentic.

It was a cold night in December. The whole world seemed to have slept. Yes except for me and a handful of souls who were stuck up to their computers. In fact, I was in a chatting spree. I was chatting with various names – most of them a facade built up by individuals. It was there that I found this name Tanu.

“Hi” I pinged her

There was no reply. I went on chatting with others but my mind was wholly occupied with this name. It was after a long time that I saw a name which I felt was authentic.

“Hi” I pinged her again after waiting patiently for couple of minutes

“Hi” She replied

“I want to make friendship with you” I was straightforward

“Sure”. To my surprise she responded back

So, we started chatting. I asked her real name which she replied as Tanu. I asked her age. Perfect age I thought or was she playing on me. In these chat rooms you can never say whether you are talking to an 18-year-old girl or 75-year-old man. You can be anything. I myself had played many such games. I had become a 20 years old girl, a 35-year-old American, a doctor and even a church priest.

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It was during my class days I had started chatting. I saw a computer for the first time there. I was born and brought up in a village and computers hadn’t made a sway there.

“Aren’t you coming for chatting” It was my friend Rahul who introduced me to this. Those were the days in college when many heads were occupied with chatting and even, I became one of them

Months passed to years and my relation with Tanu started growing older and stronger. We would keep chatting even at mid night from the cafe. They used to keep it open just for couple of people like me. When I completed my college days, I got a job and moved to Bombay. There I had a broadband net connection and I used to hook myself to it for hours mostly talking to her. She had become an integral part to me

I would talk to her about a whole lot of things from fiction to everyday news. She knew my dreams, corners of my mind and every room in it. I used to share every thought of mine with her and I believed she did the same. Across miles love was budding up.

It was for my sister’s marriage that I had come home. She was getting married to a software engineer. The house was filled with enthusiasm. Purchases were going on. There were dresses and jewellery to be bought. Sometimes house was filled with visitors and relatives and their gossips. People had started finding new proposals for me.
It was during lunch that my mother asked me about my plans for marriage. It was what I least was expecting.

“Once your sister is married, I want you to get married”

“No mother not now. I am not ready”

“You have anyone in mind. If she is suitable, I can get you married”

How can I talk about Tanu? I haven’t even asked her about it. What a fool I am I should ask her? How good looking she was in the picture she sends me. I will ask Tanu surely

“No one is in my mind” I lied

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That night I walked to my PC with a heavy heart. I was going to propose her to her. Will she accept it, I was filled with suspense?

“Da I want to ask you a thing” I typed

“What is it?” she replied

“I want you Will you marry me” I typed

“Sorry yaar. I am not marrying type of woman I plan to remain single”

“Oh, it’s fine. I simply asked”

We went on with our usual talk
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Couple of years had passed. I was again sitting on the same dining table having lunch. My mother was sitting with me.

“You have to marry or it will be late”

“No mom I am not ready”

“You have to” she looked frustrated compelling me. But from her looks I knew how desperate she was to get me married

I bowed to her compulsion
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Today night I felt an urge to chat with Tanu. I had been recently married. So, I was devoted to my life. How can a stranger grab so much of my attention I don’t know? Yet she had become an integral real part of me. I had never talked to her about Tanu, nor had I let Tanu know that I was married. I work up and went to my computer. I kissed in air to my wife, making sure she was sound asleep and went to chat with Tanu

Then that fateful question came. I had never expected it. It had boomeranged at me. My fingers stood frozen – I was least expecting it

“Will you marry me?” her question was a shock

I took a deep breath and switched off my computer and went on to my bed. There I lay thinking at the naughty ways of providence. There had been no mistake in my mind. Tanu was my friend and I would have very much loved to have her as my wife, but I was married and I had a responsibility
I had really wanted Tanu but my duties were laid for the stranger. I decided never to chat with her. Let her never know I was married. She will be my Tanu – My first crush – my first love. Let it remain frozen that way – a sweet memory I lost. I will never tell her I was married and loose her. Yet I will never meet her. Let her be a part of my past – a friend called Tanu.